Weaknesses

28 Oct

” Last night I dreamed that I was a child out where the pines grow wild and tall
I was trying to make it home through the forest before the darkness falls

I heard the wind rustling through the trees and ghostly voices rose from the fields
I ran with my heart pounding down that broken path
With the devil snappin’ at my heels

I broke through the trees and there in the night
My father’s house stood shining hard and bright
The branches and brambles tore my clothes and scratched my arms
But I ran till I fell shaking in his arms ”

―  Bruce Springsteen ( My Father’s House )

I posted that will share my weaknesses today. I cannot hide in my father’s arms. He always accepted me. I have liked the honest path. Even if don’t know all the answers. Before that some incidents..

– My friend called me and spoke to me at length. It’s always nice to speak to a dear friend  who knows real you for a long time. He is a busy doctor in US and we could speak in his work – break time.  Then he said something  ” I think you and I have the same problem and we don’t take to authority very well.” This is starkingly true. This is my biggest weakness. More of that later.

– My mother gave me two Rosogolla ( Bengali sweet) instead of one in my bowl last night. I was surprised and kept staring at my petridish cum bowl. I realised she was rewarding me for good behaviour. I had not reacted to her scolding. Sometimes my mother makes up for her scolding by giving me a extra sweet or cooking some thing nice. She scolds me a lot. She sometimes acknowledges it. It’s not her fault. More of that later..

Some experiences from my past

– When was young in early twenties. My dear friend would scold me. I would not react because really liked my friend. Sometimes would not understand ” Why am being solded”. I would concur ” there must be a reason.” I was both innocuous and naive. Next time my friend would make up for scolding by taking me out for a movie or a ice cream.

– My freinds who studied with me would also scold me and knew that was in good intention. I would never feel bad and go back to studying.

– My first Job was a unnecessary adventure. I had written about it earlier. I was nineteen and my boss a childless old man, whose only interest was cricket ( I remember him talking of Neil fairbrother, Mike Gatting)  and work, shouted at me in front of everyone. I broke down and cried. I found it humiliating.

– In my second job, one of my senior colleagues had thrown my files in anger. I was stunned. I was in my late twenties and had tears in eyes. My experienced lady colleague had kindly guided me ” It will be same everywhere. You have a good mind. You should study. I will help you study and get you references.” I was so grateful and had profusely thanked her and told her do not have means to study. I have a family to support.  My father had passed away. I always remembered  those  words and how prophetic they were for ” signs” to come in future.

– In my most recent work experience had the same experience of being shouted in front of colleagues. I really found it humiliating. I really dislike stupid authority at work. I am very much ” Main aaj bhi pheke hue paise nahin uthata ( Even today do not pick up money thrown at me.) “Deewar” ( 1975) : please see http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072860/

– One of my bosses, a scottish entrepnuer had  rightly made a  observation noticing me eating  little food in a hotel where we were staying ( Meridian Chennai) ” What will you eat, If you go abroad ” He was right, my knowledge of food is really mediocre. I was smarter and realised ” He is just selling me a carrot, he has no intention of taking me  anywhere. So my Indian food is okay ” 🙂

Let’s analyse this honestly.

In my adoloscence and early youth my biggest problem was ” restlessness” and ” shyness”. I  conquered my early restlessness thanks to my first job and it has never been a issue since. I also had responsibilities of being a bread winner. My concentration and discipline has never been a issue. I have always been very sincere and  hard working.

I realised quickly most people who work in Indian industry are management graduates and they think companies are started for them. Their attitude is no different from landed gentry who had superior ideas of entitlement. I cared a damn. I found most mediocre. The idea was not to be antagonistic. They just did not interest me. Neither the people or their work.  While was true to work, worked in a detached way to support my family.

I later met even heightened expressions of megalomania. The same management graduates .My subconscious disdain continued.

I realised  later my subsconscious attitude is a mistake. People are what they are. Not all are similar.

Why is this so ?

I remember reading in Pico Iyer artice on Leonard Cohen, A friend describing him ” part wolf, part angel”.  May be am that. I think am ” part naive, part angel”  🙂

Iam naive in many aspects. I have no problems in saying ” I don’t know”. I do not have much exposure. My only exposure is my father, my friends, my ability to learn and a curious mind. My work experiences has taken me to all over India. But then  only original thing that have seen or experienced in my life in India is ” Idols drinking milk “. I was damn excited at this new phenomenon 🙂

So am limited by experiences and exposure.  My focus has always been on content and not so much presentation.  I have never been out of India. My sister has, my friends have. Iam Goodwill Hunting. I sincerely believe my country does not appreciate ” talent” as much as it appreciates “metrics. ” So there will be no Google or Amazon from India. Only flip kart and snap deal. There will be no new drug discoverey only generic drugs, so on and so forth….

So am naive. I also cannot be treated badly. No body likes being treated badly. I do not like being shouted at publically. It’s big ” No” for me. I think am idealistic that way and have pride. I just do not like being shouted at or being treated in a demeaning way. No body does.

I have learnt scolding is fine. People who scold  ” like my earlier friends or my mother ” is because of they  care and is out of love.  I think am a sincere person , If you tell me my mistakes , would readily agree and try to work on them. If you tell me lovingly ” I will take a broom and wipe the floor clean”. But tell me lovingly. If you shout, suddenly feel like ” Sugar Ray Leonard” 🙂

As for food, my only hope was to learn cooking from my sister, but then my sister was so busy in her work and life before marriage that she was Sania Mirza of her life 🙂 after marriage, no chance, she just has been so busy ever since she started working and she had no time to fulfill desires of her brother.

Now will have to learn cooking from a beloved, who ever is  God’s chosen person for me. But I will learn cooking. Now do dishes.

As for my mother. I just want to make her proud . She scolds me. It’s been toough journey for her. I have developed maturity now and do not react. I have learnt the concept of ” having good vibrations and to choose love ” in hard situations.

Thus my greatest weakness is do not suffer fools gladly nor do take authority very well. Iam work in progress. I have also managed teams and know authority is sometimes needed but there is no reason to shout or humiliate. That is just disregard.  I believe the best way to work and live is with Love and discipline.

My other weakness is ” need to network again.” I had lost faith in networking ” because people did not mean what they say”. I must renetwork again.

I just hope to find better work situations and the great Amitabh Bachan writes in his blog yesterday ” be in good cheer always my dear ones .. troubles will come only if they are troubled ..Keep away from it as much as possible..” ( Please see : http://srbachchan.tumblr.com/)

I have always  tried to ” be in good cheer ” and that’s what intend to do always and then trouble will be away…:)

I have had a very hard journey, time had  good love..:)

Have a lovely day my friends ! If you have any suggestions or advise. please do not hesitate.

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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