Show Your Hair : Mark Nepo ( And little me..)

9 Oct

 My grandmother told me,

” Never hide your green hair―

They can see it anyway.”

― ANGELES ARRIEN

From the agonies of kindergarten, when we first were teased or made fun of in the midst of all our innocence,we have all struggled in one way or another with hiding what is obvious about us.

No one plans this. It is not a conspiracy,but rather an inevitable and hurtful passage from knowing only ourselves to knowing the world. The tragedy is that many of us never talk about it, or never get told that our ” green hair” is beautiful, or that we don’t need to hide, no matter what anyone says on the way to lunch. And so, we often conclude that to know the world we must hide ourselves.

Nothing could be farther from the truth. It is an ancient, unspoken fact of being that blackmail is only possible if we believe that we have something to hide. The inner corollary of this is that worthless feelings arise when we believe,however breifly, that who we are is not enough.

(Meditation)

” Sit quietly, with your eyes closed, and with each in- breath feel the fact that who you are is enough.”

― Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening.

For those interested in this and more pebbles of wisdom :http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-Awakening-Having-Present/dp/1573241172

Iam honest. That’s the only way know how to operate. I have nothing to hide. That doesn’t mean ” am not embarrased or ashamed” of some incidents in life.  I have been through excruciating and crippling shame. But am honest and will tell you ” things as they are ” knowing fully well that ” I’ll be judged”. That’s okay.  Why am I stating this ? I feel the best gift we can give our selves and humanity is ” self esteem” and “uncluttered heart. ” And we must always feel ” who we are is enough”. Mark Nepo is so very right. Before that, a context…

I have been haunted all my life about my lack of success in my early childhood goals from age 15 to 16, all my friends became engineers and doctors. I failed to become one. I also failed in two entrance examinations for which had prepared ( IIT, NDA entrance) . I was never a bad student. I was a idealist. My self image took a massive beating. I was not prepared for failure. It didn’t help matters that became painfully shy. I just did not have the sense of belonging and fitting in..

I made the biggest blunder of life. Nothing made sense to me. I was naive. I dropped out. I took up a job. I quickly realised my folly in a years time. I told my father want to study and he helped me graduate. I told him that wanted to study more and prepare for a examination ( Civil services). I had passed a university examination. I was 22. I wanted to study and be like my friends. But always carried a deep sense of shame because of my earlier failures. Here also all my freinds were doctors and engineers. I thought am doomed. I tried hard but did not succeed. I failed. At 25 had no job. No professional education. I was devastated. I stopped meeting friends. I had a relationship which did not go distance. I had a deep sense of shame and failure for many years. I just could not reconcile with failures. I would break down while driving my bike. My father understood me. He accepted me. He told me to do something of my own. He gave me money from his savings   and deeply touched by his gesture. I started rebuilding my life again. My father is God to me. He was the only person who accepted me and gave me hope. He was a very good man. He passed away soon.

Later while working in the industry. I would often worry ” What If lose this job….What will happen…Who will give me a job… What will happen to my family .”.  I would constantly worry.  Every one has some strong points. I had some courage and some ability, so survived. I think my assignments are good. But the truth is ” every time my career took a unexpected turn” my heart sank and that deep shame of childhood resurfaced.  But I have always been honest, courageous and truthful about my experiences.

I often analysed why things came to such a pass and often reflected, then it dawned on me ” I carried this excruciating shame of failure since age 15 and never really thought ” Who Iam is enough”. Others believed in me. I never really did. I always tried to seek answers at subconscious. I was always a reader since childhood. That kept me sane. I also kept asking questions.

Some years ago, Colin Tipping’s work on Radical forgiveness helped me understand this and resolve this underlying conundrum of ” Iam not enough”. I felt at peace.  Sometimes felt read too much philosophy for my good, but it saved me also..

My  experiences in Industry has nothing to do with me, know my conscience is clear and my time will come…

I have always taken comfort in a  John McEnroe rant ” I have more ability in my little finger than body of  Lendl….” 🙂

I tried to share my life in a transparent way to illustrate ” How damning limiting beliefs can be” …

So always dear friends ” Always and always consider who you are is enough”. There is no need of shame.

May be you will appreciate now ” Why my father means the world to me and still miss him, sometimes horribly, we never spoke much, but always felt peace with him, he was a handsome man…”

I am also grateful to my dear freinds for their unconditional  loving kindness. They never judged me and always supported me…

I tried to give a context to Mark Nepo’s profound message ”  That who we are is always enough.”

I think children must always be made to believe in themselves. Self esteem is a precious and wonderful gift to child. And so is unconditional love.

And do try this meditation by Mark Nepo

” Sit quietly, with your eyes closed, and with each in- breath feel the fact that who you are is enough.”

It’s from a pure space and will leave you replenished, glistening little more..

Goodnight friends! And don’t judge me 🙂

Have a lovely day! Thank you!

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